I was speaking with a friend today who is experiencing ongoing marital issues. They seem to be constantly in dispute about money issues and the choices that come from it.
As a couple when they first married, his wife seemed to take on the financial organisational role within the relationship. My friend was more than happy with this, as his wife no longer worked and they were planning a family, so was at home much more of the time and had time for this.
He was pleased about this as he didn`t really want the responsibility of this as he lacked the confidence for the financial role.
As they were both young his Wife understandably looked to her parents for help initially in this role, searching for advice and help on day to day money management. The problems though arose quite quickly afterwards where his wife eagerly surrendered control to her Mother. Even her Mother controlled their bank account. My friend was aware of this and happily turned a blind eye as he still did not want to get involved at this point and was happy with what was “pocket money” for him.
As the marriage progressed they argued more and more, even leading to a temporary separation. They are now back together but are in constant dispute over money. My friend has now decided that ignorance is no longer an excuse and has to try and take responsibility for the family`s finances as they now have children who need feeding.
The problem is the trust has now been lost. When they separated, their financials also got separated but now they`re back together his wife wont surrender her financial information and just insists that the bills are paid. However she will sporadically ask for money throughout the week as she has run out at different times, this causes huge friction between them as they are both questioning each others choices and the value of them. He has since found out that she had a £3000 loan from her parents during their separation. He is desperate now to solve their financial issues as he now sees the value of joint control of the money as the arguments are frequent and they are both at breaking point with each other over this.
So many couples split up over money. But Why?
There are a thousand variables within a relationship about which we can argue, but the most common cause of arguments seem to relate to money. Money is a fixed aspect of any relationship. X partner earns so much and Y partner earns so much. Add them together you get a number, manage it! The choices that people make with their money is more about their personality than the cash itself.
Money is never the issue itself, it`s how we manage it within a family that causes confrontation.
Too many people think they`re entitled to things just because they work hard or just because others have it. This causes so much resentment within couples and at least one of the couple can feel that they are failing the others in the family in not being able to provide what they crave or what they believe they deserve.
Now that finally one person in this relationship has finally woke up after twelve years, they are chastised and attacked for trying to control something that has got progressively more and more out of control. They are once gain on the verge of splitting up because at least one of them will not face up to their responsibilities. What is more worrying is that the children are experiencing the needless arguments over money which makes no sense.
Their relationship is now defined by monetary issues. They no longer even know or trust each other.
The attributes of each other that enabled them to fall in love years ago are now smothered by bad feeling and insecurity, all because of the fear of money.
Money is not the root of all evil, but the choices it affords could well possibly be.