I was having a conversation with a customer yesterday, who brought to my attention that a couple of universities in the UK had now banned clapping as a form of applause, under the grounds that it could bring on anxiety. At first I thought this man is obviously dribbling stupidity right in front of me, but on further investigation this indeed turns out to be some sort of fact and is just another restraint applied among the thousands of other political correct madness` forced upon young people at universities.
It`s hard to list the damage these numerous thinkings and ideas can do when actioned. Obviously each one must be taken at it`s own merit, but the overall protective mentality that is now rife within our universities will do untold damage. What at first seems a thoughtful albeit for a small minority, protective act is a dangerous precedent to carry forward.
True progress of humanity throughout human history always come at the odds with the establishment. The problem being is that the current mentality and political correctness is fast becoming the establishment. These students within the next few years will be the people running our massive industries, they will then become part of the establishment. To young people not brought up within university life, this will seem alien. These young people will be the new anti establishment rebels. Rebelling to change the then established way of life, where apparently everyone is included. Sadly this is not true of human nature.
If you can look far down the path on which we are now travelling, we are now trying to cure and isolate anxieties and victimisation as opposed to preventing them happening in the first place, by making individuals stronger and better educated. What we seem to be doing is heading towards an idyllic world full of automatons without individuality or cultural history.
We are now separating the educated wealthy from the poor. Like we always have done. Only before the separation was finance and privilege which was aspirational and enabled some individuals to cross into the other stratosphere via hard work and not a little bit of luck. In other words there was always hope. Sadly the new University led cultural divide is much greater, and worryingly much more alienating and frustrating for those young people on the wrong side. Inevitably this brings even greater unrest between the new establishment and what will be the new rebels in our society.
For years I have suffered with a strange sort of anxiety. An anxiety that only hits me during my free time.
I, like many people work long hours, and look forward to having a weekend without time constraints or work pressures. But when I was in this supposed free time and able to relax, I would feel anything but.
After a week of deadlines, employee and customer expectation not to mention my own pressure to achieve, I felt almost paralysed.
I would experience a general feeling of being unsettled to the point of sickness. I was both physically and mentally uncomfortable. My mind seemed to both race and switch off during these times. Firstly I was conscious that I had to find something of value to do to warrant the time off, this would then slowly build to real a impatience as I struggled to find anything that I believed to be of value, as the free time I had was short and precious.
There was also an added pressure to this. The feeling that because of my long working hours during the week, I had little time to spend with my girlfriend and so a feeling that I needed to make the most of the little time we had together weighed heavily upon me. I also have an elderly Mother which I like to visit during this time as well.
What started off as supposed free time presented itself in my head as a pressure not to disappoint my loved ones. Eventually after the inevitable self disappointment I would shut down and invariably plant myself in front of the television to watch some sort of Netflix box set series.
There`s a strangely comforting feeling about watching a box set. You know exactly what`s expected of you. One episode follows another and all your stress about decisions are taken away from you. Genuinely during these freetime anxiety periods I have watched some real shit! But it allowed some sort of mental switch off from the anxiety of what I should be doing to enjoy myself.
During this time my character difference was alarming. During my working week I was full of confidence, never short of ideas and what I would consider to be highly sociable. Fast forward to the weekend and I was a shadow of myself, which would rankle, as this added to the feeling of disappointment for my partner who was not really experiencing me as the person I knew I was. I would then begin to secretly long for the working week to begin again, as that was the time I would feel myself. I never liked the person I was at the weekend.
I suffered from debilitating feelings on Sunday evenings and would do everything I could not to leave the house on a Sunday evening, as I believed I needed to mentally prepare myself for the week ahead, but now I look back I was just longing for the week to begin as I could regain the positivity and mental well being I would feel at work.
I have always been majorly into self analysis and understanding behaviour, but for years I had never applied it to myself in what would be described as my free time behaviour. I was happy to analyse myself and all to eagerly others during my working time, but this inquisitive side of me seemed to be paralyzed during these times.
So I blindly continued on.
It`s hard for your partner in this situation as for most of the time they will see you in this rather flat semi-responsive state. Which in turn would lead to arguments as she would get more and more impatient with me, without either of us truly understanding what I was feeling. I couldn`t blame her for feeling that I didn`t want to be there, as there was an element of truth in this. But I did want to spend time with my partner it`s just that I didn`t want to be the person I was being with her.
Finally after a long time oblivious to what was really happening to me, I decided to look into this behaviour and see if I could draw any other parallels with other experiences people had.
I began by examining my memories of my Father who has now sadly passed away. When I was a child, time off really didn`t exist for him. Although he rarely worked on the weekend, he would spend all his time in the garage preparing for work on Monday. He was a builder and would generally go about some sort of carpentry or some other style of work under the guise that it was a necessity for work. He would have the odd friend visit during these times but it was definitely a building site type atmosphere. He would rarely go on holiday with us as a family. Instead choosing to place my Mum, Sister and I on a camp site for a week and then collect us at the end of it. Rarely would he ever even stay a night. There were times as he got older that he would take a holiday. Once with myself as a fifteen year old and a couple of times with my Mum. These holiday`s would invariably be a tour of France, but it was judged on it`s success by how many miles could be covered in one day. Before we would camp for the evening we would` ve driven for hours after which we would finally set up on a site only to rise again early in the morning to drive again for hundreds of miles.
I examined my memories of his behaviour when he retired, as we had always joked that if he ever retired he would go mad. It turns out that his saving grace was my business. Now I look back, I think my business was instrumental in his ability to retire. Within a week of retiring from his work he would arrive at my warehouse by 7am to stay all day until approximately 4pm. Not really a surprise that these were his working hours during his working life. It was during the following years that I truly began to understand and see my Father for who he really was. He was most happy in a work enviroment. The sense of camaraderie and the fact that although his physical contributions to the day to day business might`ve been slight, his need to belong and feel a sense of achievement was of paramount importance. During these times he was full of life and storytelling and had a genuine funny side which I had never experienced before. In a work type enviroment he knew exactly what was expected of him and he allowed his true self out. He still suffered from his usual temper tantrums that he or more to the point everyone else would suffer from, but they would go as soon as they came, unlike at home where they could hang around for days.
I asked other people about their experiences of their weekends. Not just what they had done but how they felt about it. All of the people I spoke to work in time segmented 9-5 style jobs. Most of them seemed to be happy with their weekends but nearly all of them seemed to have a tinge of regret of about either not achieving something or just wasting the weekend away. The odd exception seemed to be based around some sort of successful task completion, not necessarily something they would enjoy out of choice, but a DIY or personal project that they knew needed to be completed. There was a sense of achievement that had given these few a confidence that wasn`t in the others who had just relaxed their time away.
I decided to try and understand how I could keep control of my anxiety and bring the same sort of confidence and feeling of well being that is evident in my work and transfer it to my free time. If I could identify the things that I enjoy as a person, and could initially schedule that into my weekend, almost like a routine, this could be interspersed with open free time and at least maybe I could get a handle on it.
I`m an absolute petrol head and have a car which I very rarely drive. So as I always awake early weekday or not, I decided that instead of sat watching aimless television on Sunday mornings waiting for my girlfriend to get up, I would give myself an approximate window for which to take my car out for a drive. It was liberating actually doing something that I personally enjoyed and actually did have the time for. Suddenly it began to feel like I had more time available to me.
Although I`ve never been a great fan of exercise, I am aware of both the mental and physical benefits it brings me, and I always feel much better after doing it. Some sort of sense of achievement not to mention the chemical positives. Again I scheduled this in early in the morning on the weekends and even took up yoga!
I know what you`re thinking. It looks like I`m taking all the fun and spontaneity out of my free time, but it felt like the opposite. I mean for once in my life by bringing order to my free time I was actually doing the things that made me feel good about myself.
How can we after spending such a large percentage of our time in an organised format at work, are we supposed to successfully change our natural organisational habits in a blink of an eye. I mean we are conditioned in this way from a child. We go to school at a certain time, we eat at regimented times and then we finally go to work at set times. Even are entertainment is time scheduled. Maybe we look forward to our favourite program, again at a scheduled time. It really should be no surprise that when faced with unplanned free time we can feel like we`ve wasted it.
To sum up. Anyone who suffers from weekend anxiety or just feel that their weekend is under utilised and frustrating just give it a go. Plan your free time in advance around the people and activities you enjoy. You can make these routines as detailed and scheduled as you feel comfortable with, but it genuinely has given me a second wind in my personal life.
I used to feel that my confidence only really came from my achievements or daily interactions at work, but this process has allowed me to take the same positive person out of what was my only truly comfortable enviroment and transfer that person into what feels like a totally new area of my life,
I even planned out enough time to write this, which I never would`ve believed I had time for.
Many times in our life we come across situations where we are verbally attacked or bullied totally unexpectedly by people within our regular environment. This could be by a work colleague, a neighbour or even family. At these times it`s very easy for us to fall into a victim type mentality after the occurrence. Living in fear that it might happen again, or just reeling with embarrassment or insecurity after the incident.
Now in truthfulness you might well be a victim of some unprovoked insult or behaviour, but whether the oppressive feeling of still being a victim after the incident has passed is more down to our mental choice than the aggressors. Initially when any of these occurrences happen, whether they be an angry word from a neighbour or dirty looks at the coffee machine they can be disturbing, but it`s what you do with that feeling after the occurrence has initially passed that we need to address and reflect upon.
Action
Firstly we need to analyse ourselves within the incident and
could we have avoided it.
Did we do anything that could’ve acted as a catalyst to the incident?
Ask the same question again, only this time we have to be even more honest with ourselves and ask how we were perceived by others at this time.
The point of this is not to apportion any blame here, but if we can spot anything within our behaviour that could’ve antagonised the situation or we`re not that proud of, it gives us an opportunity to learn a little more about ourselves and what not do next time.
Secondly we need to look at the aggressor.
Were we aware of any existing bad feeling already?
If not why do we think they lashed out at us?
We can look at it this way because any confrontation can
only have two sides at any one time. And as we are one of those we can control
50% of the situation.
Let`s just say a co-worker has said something insulting to us in front of others and now we feel embarrassed and a little victimised. Let`s think about why we still feel victimised and threatened by the aggressor after the situation has occurred. Maybe we are afraid that it will be repeated. Maybe we feel others around at the time are now feeling the same way and now we feel embarrassed.
Firstly let`s think about the primary aggressor in the
incident.
Do we feel mentally or physically inferior to
this person?
If we met them in a different environment
without any prior knowledge would we be fearful of them?
If the answer to these questions are both No, then our feeling
of victimisation is purely down to the fact of how they acted. Now if we know
that any of their actions that they can perform are not superior in either a physical
or mental capacity to ourselves, we can mentally take that confidence into any
future potential confrontation, knowing that we are at least equal on these
fronts.
Moving Forward
After any confrontation we always have a whole bunch of regrets. “ We should’ve said this ”, “We should’ve done that” but in truthfulness we didn’t for a number of reasons and we can`t turn back time so basically we have to shut that out and move on from the past.
In situations like this we commonly feel uncomfortable and filled with a little dread at a potential repeat incident. Because of this it`s very easy to put the other person on a metaphoric pedestal, and for us to feel like they stand above us looking down. But as we noted before, we don`t necessarily believe them to be superior to us, so we must stand on the same pedestal. It`s not about knocking people down or analysing the other person`s weaknesses but more about recognising our strengths and positives.
I always remember having a dream some years ago where I was
the main character in some sort of Hollywood movie. I was this FBI type agent
hunting down some sort of serial killer (Too much TV again!) I had lost my gun
and was in some disused damp warehouse (as they always are at the end of these
films) and I was now being hunted by this killer. Running for my life and hiding
from him. It suddenly dawned on me that my foe did not have a gun either or any
major form of weapon. He was at least 30-40 years my senior and probably wasn’t
as strong. Suddenly within my dream I realised this, so I stood out of the shadows
armed with the confidence that with my non-existent FBI training, “I could take
him”. At this moment I woke up.
That dream has stayed with me ever since, as being a victim
or feeling inferior is mostly a matter of perception in most circumstances.
Once we truly recognise that the other person isn’t superior. Maybe they do have more friends. Maybe they have been at our workplace longer. But neither of those make them superior, it is purely situational and those attributes are easily achieved. It`s all a matter of confidence in ourselves. In the past we might’ve used the fact that we were innocent and yet still picked upon as proof that life isn’t fair for the righteous ya de yah…. Now we have to use the fact that we were morally correct in our last confrontation and use that to give us just a tiny bit of extra confidence in moving forward.
There is no reason to for us to feel apprehension at the next encounter with this person. We already know we are at least their equal, and now armed with the fact that we were morally correct in our last meeting, we should welcome our next chance to cross paths, not for confrontation but just so that we can gain even more confidence and familiarity. Absence can paint a much more daunting picture of someone in this particular situation, so don’t be too wary, just be aware that your relationship has potential for confrontation. But if you have an element of control over the timing of the situation, that is another variable taken out of the hands of the other person, weighing in just another tiny bit of confidence your way.
The dictionary says about a victim “a person who has come to feel helpless and passive in the face of misfortune or ill-treatment”. We do not have to be passive or helpless in these type of confrontations we can regain an element of control. We should not hope or want to control the other person in the exchange itself, but we can control the effect it has upon us.
We are in control of our feelings, however much at sometimes we might feel otherwise. We always have the power to maintain the ability to control how others affect us. Make it positive.
I will not pretend to answer or even indeed know the outcome
to the above question, but it bothers everyone that we don’t have a clue.
For some it is to work and achieve. For some it is to pro-create. For some it is simply to exist. Lets try and dispense with these one at a time.
Our reason for living cannot be to work. Work is the modern day hunting. As Neanderthal man would set out on a hunt for his prey to bring home food for the family, so follows the premise that this is all work is. It`s just that the prey and rewards are more sophisticated. We are no longer happy to exist on whatever we can track, kill or grow. The more rewards that we can gather are commensurate with our ability to hunt. The great hunters must`ve been both strong and cunning, armed with guile and an unbending will to not come home empty handed. Modern day hunters can be armed with these same traits but also with education and the ability to show their prowess in different ways for somewhat differing rewards. The end result is still the same though. The spoils of the hunt! This in turn cannot be the reason for life. The art of the hunt or achievement that is directly linked to these type of rewards only enable us to keep pace with others around us who are desperately trying for the same thing, and allows us to judge our progress against others.
Pro-creation. Can this really be the reason for life? To give life to another. Although this may be rewarding for so many people, this again is so inextricably linked to the first reason for life that they are almost one. To give life means to provide life. To provide life you must provide for that life to enable it to flourish and grow. To do this you must hunt and yadee yadee ya! I have a feeling we have been here before.
We have a natural instinct to nurture, to teach to rear. But can this be the meaning of our lives? To provide another life with the means to hop on the very same merry go round, one in which we do not truly understand ourselves and so it starts all over again. Sometimes you get the feeling that somebody is watching us waiting for us to do something fundamentally different, but then groan in despair when all we do is the same over and over again, hoping that the next generation will actually do something special! We wake, we work and we breed, where we must now work even harder as we have dependents which need us. Where they will then grow up and repeat our mistakes all over again. Pro-creation can only be about hope, and what our offspring will bring to the world. Most of the time what we want for our offspring is to have a fulfilling and pleasant life. Not many parents hold the thought of their child having a challenging life in high regard, irrespective if this child could bring something of value to the world. We want the best and dare we say it, we want the easiest path for them to grasp all the things that they want. So can this really be the meaning of life or just a means to extend life in our form after we have gone. A walking talking legacy as it were.
To exist. To experience.
I would like to think that we cannot be here for these reasons, unless this is just a bus terminal exchange on our way to other places. If this is the case I`m not certain what we are here to learn. Most of the learning that we are taught is based around solid or inanimate things. Maths, Grammar, Geography, Physics etc. These things seem to only have relevance in our current world or consciousness. What of these teachings will be of value in wherever we might go next? What will we take there from our experiences here. Maybe time spent with others, understanding the machinations of our thinking, our feelings and reactions. Depending on what or who we share our next stop with, these are the only things that seem to be of value elsewhere. Maybe that is who we are supposed to be. To learn about ourselves and others like us. But can that really be the reason for living? So you can understand your neighbour on a higher level. To empathise with others loss, or even give comfort. These things still bring no greater purpose than to maintain the status and health of others. Like a Doctor who helps others heal, without larger purpose what is the reason for healing.
I thought that this topic would help me think about why we
are here, but it has done the opposite. We seem to be here to consume and
change the world for better or worse. But for what reason?
Maybe we are mice in an experimental maze where there isn’t an exit. We are mere entertainment for others. A study for the improvement of another species. It all sounds a bit worrying and end of the world like. But I like so many others struggle to find any greater purpose for ourselves. All of the world`s other creatures have some purpose. Either to feed us, entertain us or make us feel better when we save them from the extinction we inevitably caused.
I can only presume that we are the same. Why should we be any different to all of the other creatures that inhabit this world around us. Are we being watched and tested by something greater than ourselves. If so for what purpose? Maybe nothing more than the fact that we are here and that we must be observed like lab rats. We don’t need to be conserved just yet as we breed like rabbits and there`s billions of us. Maybe we`ll only know the truth when we are threatened with extinction and then we will be valued and conserved and nurtured again.
I was speaking with a friend today who is experiencing ongoing marital issues. They seem to be constantly in dispute about money issues and the choices that come from it. As a couple when they first married, his wife seemed to take on the financial organisational role within the relationship. My friend was more than happy with this, as his wife no longer worked and they were planning a family, so was at home much more of the time and had time for this. He was pleased about this as he didn`t really want the responsibility of this as he lacked the confidence for the financial role. As they were both young his Wife understandably looked to her parents for help initially in this role, searching for advice and help on day to day money management. The problems though arose quite quickly afterwards where his wife eagerly surrendered control to her Mother. Even her Mother controlled their bank account. My friend was aware of this and happily turned a blind eye as he still did not want to get involved at this point and was happy with what was “pocket money” for him.
As the marriage progressed they argued more and more, even leading to a temporary separation. They are now back together but are in constant dispute over money. My friend has now decided that ignorance is no longer an excuse and has to try and take responsibility for the family`s finances as they now have children who need feeding. The problem is the trust has now been lost. When they separated, their financials also got separated but now they`re back together his wife wont surrender her financial information and just insists that the bills are paid. However she will sporadically ask for money throughout the week as she has run out at different times, this causes huge friction between them as they are both questioning each others choices and the value of them. He has since found out that she had a £3000 loan from her parents during their separation. He is desperate now to solve their financial issues as he now sees the value of joint control of the money as the arguments are frequent and they are both at breaking point with each other over this.
So many couples split up over money. But Why? There are a thousand variables within a relationship about which we can argue, but the most common cause of arguments seem to relate to money. Money is a fixed aspect of any relationship. X partner earns so much and Y partner earns so much. Add them together you get a number, manage it! The choices that people make with their money is more about their personality than the cash itself. Money is never the issue itself, it`s how we manage it within a family that causes confrontation. Too many people think they`re entitled to things just because they work hard or just because others have it. This causes so much resentment within couples and at least one of the couple can feel that they are failing the others in the family in not being able to provide what they crave or what they believe they deserve. Now that finally one person in this relationship has finally woke up after twelve years, they are chastised and attacked for trying to control something that has got progressively more and more out of control. They are once gain on the verge of splitting up because at least one of them will not face up to their responsibilities. What is more worrying is that the children are experiencing the needless arguments over money which makes no sense.
Their relationship is now defined by monetary issues. They no longer even know or trust each other. The attributes of each other that enabled them to fall in love years ago are now smothered by bad feeling and insecurity, all because of the fear of money. Money is not the root of all evil, but the choices it affords could well possibly be.
Who the hell am I? What do I actually like? What do people think of me?
Sometimes we are so busy during our lives that as we grow older we invariably change. The problem being is that it happens so slowly add that to the fact we are so close to ourselves we never see it happen.
We think of ourselves as a large grown up version of the child we once were. With all the cute attributes that our parents would reminisce about, but only now we are much larger. But is that really who we are?
So many things change within us and happen to us as children and young adults, that how can we expect to have the same traits as when we were young. Yes, there will be similarities but we will have built up so much emotional scar tissue over our years that there are so many experiences we won`t even attempt for fear of ridicule or emotional pain.
We are indeed a product of our enviroment, but do we have to be?
The problem with being an adult is that you`re surrounded by other adults. And some of those stink!
As children we are potentially our greatest most open minded self. Untethered by preconceptions and past experiences.
We have the ability at a young age to see people and things in a particularly uncomplicated way. We have not learnt prejudices and we don`t make sweeping judgements about people. New tasks are taken with vigour or not at all. We don`t entertain toiling for achievement, we achieve because we want to and we are inquisitive and playful. When was the last time you heard somebody refer to an adult as inquisitive or playful without a huge dose of sarcasm.
Children are infamous for saying “Why?” on numerous occasions, but as we grow older this curiosity wanes. Is this because we know everything there is to know? Of course not. So where does our spirited curiosity go and can we ever get it back?
